everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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