She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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