He told me they were just razor bumps!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
