I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
