Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
