she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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