found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
