you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
