I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
