I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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