New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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