Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
