then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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