You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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