if you like me you must not know who I am
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we're making bets on your personal life
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
