hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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