just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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