Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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