I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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