Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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