apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
