whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
