Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
