I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
