I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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