wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
