I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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