I feel like abortions should bother me more
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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