My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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