I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Everything about him screamed your future.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize