i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
