im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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