if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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