I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my sisters under your porch take her home
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
