I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
