i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
