i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
