yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
