Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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