i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
