just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
