My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
