Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
