I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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