Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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