You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
