I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
