Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
