I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.