sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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