So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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