i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
