you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
