there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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