He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
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she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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