Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
