I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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