I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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