Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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