we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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