new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
